wanna take away my right to change
i ain’t done yet i’ve barely begun yet
i’m a work in progress and i always will be
ain’t nothing i can’t do with me
if you’re content sitting at a stop light
waiting on a green light to make your move, that’s cool…
That song is my mantra. I wrote it, and it serves to remind me who I want to be in the face of adversity.
My parents were both musicians. My dad a sax man, composer, and arranger. My mom, a passionate and naturally talented singer. Music is what brought them together. I was born into music. Really, it’s all I’ve ever known. And I have sat on the fence between embracing it and turning my back on it for most of my life.
After my folks split up my mom had a go of it on her own. She headed up her own jazz groups with some heavy hitters. She negotiated her deals with the club owners and musicians. And then she just stopped. For a multitude of reasons. My dad kept going until the end.
I can’t stop. For me, music has always been a spiritual endeavor. It is my form of worship to the divine, the way I align my body, mind and spirit. The one practice that allows me to raise my frequency above the din of the world. The way I feel I can contribute something of value to the world. And when I am playing, I forget what my face looks like, I’m not that kid with the lisp and the big nose, I just play and I Am.
I have been playing since I was about 10, when my dad gifted me with the Yamaha guitar I still play today. But it is only now that I am finally having a clue as to who I really am, finally not so influenced by the rest of the world, finally caring less and finally caring more.
Over the course of my life I have entertained so many insane thoughts about whether I ‘should’ be playing music or not. What does success really mean? Am I good enough? Is it a worthwhile pursuit? Am I pretty enough? Can I really make a difference in the world?
*originally written April 9, 2013