Full Circle

It’s funny, I never set out to be a performer.

I grew up in a musical family but I was a pretty shy kid. I was more comfortable with my animals than people. I was happiest creating, not so much presenting.

Fast forward to my first apartment and a guy who liked me, who happened also to be a drummer. Somehow it is always the drummers who get me.  Anyway, it was a hot summer day and my door was open to let in some air. I was lost in playing my guitar and singing. I never knew how long he had been standing at the door before he finally let me know he was there. I was mortified!! No one had ever heard me play or sing my stuff, and I was good with that.

Somehow this guy gave me enough nurturing and encouragement to step outside the safety of my apartment and give a band a go. We worked hard, held auditions, and eventually we moved in together, mostly so we could have an attic to rehearse. We played some shows to pretty good responses and a whole new world was born. I went from going to shows, to playing shows, and found the stage a double edged sword that I adored and feared.

One thing led to another and I kept finding myself in bands, getting nudges from audience goers to go solo. I hadn’t really thought of that, I was protected in a band. I never truly saw myself as a front person, even though it was a fantasy, I thought I was too fat, I was sure I was not pretty enough, and definitely not showy enough. Yet every time I would step away from performing, something would take me back, somebody would come around with an opportunity, a possibility, and make me feel as though I couldn’t, shouldn’t, walk away from it. I have had some amazing highs and lows winding my way back and forth across this country.

Now, I find myself back to square one, shy and uncertain, riddled with stage fright like never before. I have to sing and play, there is no question about that, but for now, it’s back to creating more, performing less, as that double edged sword seems to have a single edge now.

*originally written March 7, 2015. Again, too afraid to publish it. Deciding today, not to live in fear anymore. Tic toc, tic toc.

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